The Choice Truly is Clear
If you’re anything like me, then you are having a difficult time deciding who to cast your vote for during this year’s 2024 presidential election. Let’s be clear: you have two strong choices and a wildcard, so let’s take a look at each of them. First is wildcard lyin’ O’Biden, who’s only in this thing for the deep state, so let’s leave him to the Hollyweird elites for now. Next is former President Donald Trump, who basically burst onto the scene with his macho might and subsequently grabbed America’s attention by the pussy and made it into a real woman. However, metaphorical and literal sexual assault can only get us so far, so let’s look at the other strong candidate for president, Mr. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
RFK Jr. is a fresh face from a long line of political powerhouses who, although denounced by those aforementioned powerhouses, still has brand name recognition and brings his own unique, thought-provoking takes on America’s problems. According to Kennedy, you should vote for him because he is “a political outsider, which is basically a virtue at this point.”* My lust for political outsiders will always run unabated. Since Trump is no longer an outsider, let’s delve into RFK Jr.’s specific qualifications.
One of the most salient narratives about RFK Jr. is that he is an environmental advocate (but hates the Green New Steal) with strange conspiratorial beliefs about vaccines, diseases, and official government narratives… an outsider who lives by his own reality and is simultaneously rejected by his own family? Ka-Ching! But to really seal the deal, let’s look at recent developments about why Kennedy’s thought patterns are akin to playing 4-D chess.
Earlier this week, we learned that left-wing rag The New York Crimes reviewed a deposition from RFK Jr. in 2012 in which Kennedy said at one point that he developed symptoms of an illness that were “…caused by a worm that got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died.”** Hold the phone. Did I hear that correctly? Kennedy’s head used to be jam-packed with brain-powering superworms that presumably replaced the part of the brain that was eaten with their own superior intellect. I like where this is going. If you were wondering if RFK Jr. was perhaps exposed to large amounts of toxic metals that could also secretly give him powers, the answer is 100% yes.
Evidently, in that same deposition, it was revealed that Kennedy had been poisoned by mercury as a result of his insatiable hunger for tuna fish sandwiches.** Brain-enhancing worms? Exposure to power-inducing toxic substances? Is this a report on a presidential candidate or an origin story for a fucking superhero? While this should make the decision easy, there is one downside. It is undeniable that RFK Jr.’s voice sounds like you are listening to a long-distance phone call from a malfunctioning robot, whose incessant sputtering and whirring amounts to discordant, almost unintelligible noises. Of course, RFK Jr. has the solution to this: bionic vocal cord transplant using shiny titanium.**
In summation, we have the opportunity for a shiny, bionic, environmentally-conscious metalloid superhero. Are we even voting for a man because, at this point, he sounds more like Captain fucking Planet to me (whose hair is green, I assume, because it is rooted in brain-eating worms)?
*https://www.aljazeera.com/features/2024/3/26/who-is-election-disrupter-robert-f-kennedy-jr
**https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/08/us/rfk-jr-brain-health-memory-loss.html
